Cheap Party Dresses - How to politely tell FMIL she doesn't need to look for my dress?

How to politely tell FMIL she doesn't need to look for my dress?

Her son and I are getting married in about 2 years and I've been looking at dresses just to get an idea of what I would like, so I can go from there when it is actually time to buy one. His mum keeps sending me websites with discounted wedding dresses. I think it's really sweet that she wants to help keep the costs down and I appreciate the help but I've already made plans with my mum (she has also offered to pay) to go dress shopping when the time is right. We're getting married in the Netherlands as that's where 80 of the 100 guests live so it's easier to get the dress there (saves flying it over etc.) and it is actually cheaper to buy it there. I've told her all this numerous times (as well as my fiance) but she doesn't seem to understand what we're saying. Since my fiance is her only child I'm trying to involve her in as much other wedding things as I can such as the cake, decorations and I frequently update her when we got an idea for something or when we've looked at venues because she can't attend the dress shopping even if she wanted to due to personal reasons and to be honest I've always wanted to do that just with my mum, whom I know really looks forward to it as well. I don't know how to tell her in a polite and nice way that she doesn't have to look for dresses. I know she's excited and I do really try to get her as involved as possible but shopping for the dress is something that will be taken care of and it's the only thing my mum will be involved in (I've explained the situation to my parents and they agreed to leave other wedding planning stuff to my in-laws as they only have one child while I've got a younger sibling). The point is that she's suffering from depression and anxiety and although she is receiving medication it has happened before that she gets really upset/mad/insulted when people politely thanked her when she's offered to do/give something they already had taken care of and I'm scared to set her off. I don't want to upset her and feel like I'm trying to take away something from her. Of course I will show her lots of pictures and keep her up to date and it would be lovely if she could attend but that's just not possible. How do I tell her? I don't want to put this on my fiance as he's having a hard time at work and he's told her tons of times too but it just doesn't seem to get through. Thanks for your answers. If she was able to come with me to go dress shopping I would have had her with me without a question. The reason why I want to tell her not to look is because I know she will be very insulted when I do go and pick a dress with just my mum and she'll be disappointed I didn't go with any of her choices. I respect the fact that she wants all the girly things that come with a wedding and I do try to let her and keep her up to date by showing her what kind of dress I have in mind, what hair, what flowers and what she thinks. She gets to decide on the cake and stuff like that and I do believe she considers that "real input" as she doesn't have to say anything to either me or my fiance. I truelly do not want to take any happiness away from her but it's hard to decide whether telling her it will be taken care of or telling her when the time is there that I didn't pick any of the dresses she had in mind is the best option in the long run. Chloe, if you've got no idea what you're on about please keep your opinion to yourself. If I were really such a bridezilla I wouldn't even be considering anyones feelings which I am.

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Honestly, I would let her look and continue to send you websites and such. Its annoying, but it makes her happy. You and your mum know what your plans are. When the time is right, and you go shopping with your mum, and you find your dress. Send her a picture, and tell her how excited you are that you've finally found her perfect dress. Make sure to say "thank you for all of your help." It makes her feel included in the decision. No harm done. Either that, or you can sit her down, and tell her how much you appreciate all she is doing for your wedding. She has great taste and has been an invaluable resource in your wedding planning. However, you and your mum have always talked/dreamed about going dress shopping together. Its the only thing you truly want just your mum's opinion on. Make sure to tell her no friends, bridesmaids, cousins or family will be there either. That it is just an activity for you and your mum. It sounds like you are going to have to approach her gently but firmly. Don't let her make you feel guilty, you are being very kind and including your FMIL more than most brides do. You deserve that special time, with just your mum. Good luck and Congrats! :)
do you NEED to tell her? seems like she is getting happiness and enjoyment from it and doesnt seem to be pushing a particular dress onto you she has a son, she will never get to wedding dress shop with her daughter and is doing this to feel included, to fullfill a little dream she may have, in her own way you say she is mailing them to you is it really a bind to open an email and look at them do it while you drink your coffee in the morning fire an email back saying, lovely dresses, not quite what i am looking for, but keep em coming those few words will mean more to her than anything right now shecant actually go dress shopping she doesnt have any REAL input but you would be doing her a great kindness by letting her continue maybe she didnt have a beautiful dress herself, maybe is just the no daughter thing whatever the reason, i urge you to just let her continue suffering from depression & anxiety is horrid this may be an escape for her please, just let her keep looking and when you find your dress, you can show/tell her with lots of excitement if you stop her now, telling her excitedly about your dress YOU found with YOUR mom would be so cruel i wish you all the luck in the world congratulations ***EDIT*** came back and saw your additional details if you think she will be disappointed you dont chose a dress of hers, i would still play along, and hope that in the excitement of finding THE dress, she will get caught up in the moment with you and not be glum at all i would postpone a "maybe" for the present "definate"
Since he's an only child, this means to her helping (even if she's not) look for a wedding dress is the closest she is going to come to being able to go wedding dress shopping with a daughter. My FH is a only child too so I understand that his mom doesn't have a daughter to do these things with, and while yes I'd prefer to do the dress shopping with my mom, I always be sure to include her in things, and I will with dress shopping if she wants to go. Just let her keep looking for and at dresses, there is no harm in it, she is trying to be helpful. Letting her look doesn't mean that you have to pick out something she likes. Be grateful that she is interested in helping, many are not. By thinking she is being helpful, this gives her something to look forward to. Unless she is the overbearing jealous type, I don't see why you can't let her go dress shopping with you and your mom. Edit: If not a dress, perhaps she can help you pick out a veil to make her feel helpful?
Well, tell her honestly that you look lots of the websites she sent and all looks great but you couldn't find what you really like in those sites. Tell her also that all her help is really appreciated. . . Would you like to have a Wedding Website of your own? Check these sites: http://www.Augusta-Weddings.org http://www.MyLocalWebsites.com
BE HONEST. Just say, thank you so much for helpng me out/sending me websites etc but ive decided I want to just go dress shopping wit my mum & do it that way. Ask her to come along too so she still feels involved. Your wedding is ages away yet so maybe you should chill out bridezilla
I understand your dilemma and you are by no means a bridezilla. I suggest to let her keep looking but letting her know that with all the choices shes sending you, you may not make it out of the store with just one dress! If you keep a little humor with her, she will be fine. Ask her about linen choices such as should you go with plain tablecloths and patterned napkins, what type of fabric, chair covers or chair sashes. What about fabric draped walls with beautiful lighting and the choice of colors you could use. Your dress can be any style,color and you have a choice of fabric. That is what she is really interested in so let her dress your room. You can also have her choose centerpieces, place settings, your guest book or ask er how many different style of favors she can come up with. She will have so much to think about that the dress selection will be lost in all that she can do!
This is really hard but a future FMIL who is struggling with emotional issues of her own is always going to have conflict with you on some level and try to control and manipulate. You are taking her son away and it is selfish for her to think that way - but it hurts. You cannot do anything to help that. The whole dress thing is not about the dress - it's about her heart and that is not something you can fix. The best thing to do is come up with a written plan of who is taking care of what and then share it with her. Say that you have come up with a plan that includes everyone who wants to help and that the whole dress thing is going to be taken care of between you and your mother. Her whole emotional charade thing is not even real. So don't worry about it too much. She is only trying to control and manipulate in hopes that somehow her relationship with her son will not change. If you show her your plan, then you can ask if there is anything else on the list she would like to help with that you haven't designated yet. You have been very careful and sweet thus far and beyond what most brides try to do for FMIL. All I'm saying is that you and your own mother have a special relationship and so you do need to draw a boundary there in regards to the dress shopping thing. One idea would be to let FMIL know that you and your mother have decided on a dress and as soon as you have all of the details you will send them to her. That way even if it's not decided yet - it is for FMIL. You are doing a great job - don't ever feel bad about your FMIL or how she carries on. Losing your son to a wife is like death to her overbearing motherhood and she has to let it go somehow. You can't make her do that properly and she may try to control and manipulate well into your married life. But, I think you've got a great start in being sensitive, understanding and trying to be respectful. That will go a long way with your husband.
CC, what an amazingly sensitive person you are, and your FMIL and FH are so lucky to be adding you to their family! You obviously have an understanding and appreciation for her needs and I commend you for that. Speaking objectively, selecting a wedding gown is something that most little girls plan and dream about for many years, with input from any number of people: best friends, aunts, grandmas, and mothers. After so many years of deferred preparation, most brides would not want to deprive their mothers of being at the center of the process. Speaking subjectively, I would redirect your FMIL kind intentions: "I do so appreciate all your efforts. My mum has been looking forward to this for so long that I don't want to take it away from her. Actually, I was hoping that you could help me with (fill in the blank...cake, flowers, whatever) because you are so much better at these things than (I, or anyone else you can think of.)" Choose something that she really can do, and play it up so that she feels important and indisposable doing it for you. I feel confident that's all she really wants: to be needed by you in some way. Even if it's nothing more than serving the coffee in "that stunning dress that we love to see," a little TLC will help you pull it off. Hope this helped, really, because I think it's so nice for you to care so much about it with all you have to do!
If I was in your situation I would give her the guidelines of what you are looking for. Say "I've narrowed it down to a ball gown/dropped waist/whatever in ivory strapless gown...can you look for those?" That way she feels involved. You can always just delete her emails. If she later says she can come dress shopping with you explain (again!) that it a special day that you have planned with your mom since you were a girl. It sounds like you are doing everything you can to appease her without compromising how you want your special day. I don't think I ever would have handed over something such as the cake choice to another person!! You are being very considerate already!
First of all, Chloe is part of one of my biggest pet peeves about this board. Whenever someone shows the slightest hit of wanting something a certain way for their wedding, people start throwing around the word bridezilla. While there ARE certain things (and circumstances) which should involve compromise, there are just some things you and your fiance should have your way. I understand where you're coming from. My wedding is two years(ish) away too... And I'll be dress shopping exclusively with my mother too because it's what I've always wanted and what SHE'S always wanted (and because my bridesmaids are the kinds of friends who will always say 'that looks fabulous' even if it doesn't. They mean well, but I can trust my mother to give me honest feedback as well, lol) My Fiance isn't an only child, but his only sibling, a younger brother, as aspbergers and probably wont be getting married... at least not any time soon. I think the best solution IS to continue to let her send those emails. I know you're afraid she'll be upset when you haven't picked one of the ones she chose, but there's an easy way around that. If she's constantly sending you photos, there HAVE to be some ideas in some of them that you like. After you choose her dress, send her an email with the picture - 'Oh it has this part like this dress you sent me and this cut of this other dress you sent me and this design that looks a lot like this other dress!' Then thank her for all the help, tell her she really inspired you, and she'll be happy. It's awesome that you are so keen to keep her involved... but I understand that 'misdirection' (distracting her with something else) will only go so far in this situation. Stick all of her emails in a separate folder and go through them once you've found the dress... then just find the ones that have similar details and point them out. No big.
IMO some things just belong to Mothers and Daughters, and that means selection of the wedding dress....if the bride wants the MIL along or not, and MOB does not object, well it's the bride's choice. Explain to your FMIL that the dress selection your mother considers a private Mother/daughter moment and she will be very, very upset if it's 'taken' away from her....and since your mother is buying the dress, she gets the consideration. In the meantime, tell her all her e-mails are really helping you in figuring out what knids of dresses you like and don't like..and you really enjoy receiving them when you do.... ..and I & my mother alone shopped for mine however I did have my then FMIL there for my last fitting. BTW I bought my own dress....back in 1974.
For pete's sake, the old bird is just trying to help because he cares. Let her, it doesn't harm anyone. Good luck
Seems like you already told her and you're doing as much as you can to soften the "blow". Maybe if you don't respond to or acknowledge the emails, that will help her understand.
Oh honey, you need to include your FMIL. If she doesn't have daughters, she is particularly excited about your wedding because she'll never get to have this experience with her own daughter. My MIL didn't get to go dress shopping with her daughter (I just found this out 1 year after I got married), and I regret not inviting her. She would have had to fly in, but I would have loved to have her there. Invite FMIL for trying on dresses, too, even if she lives out of state. Try on dresses before-hand, but have her there for the final decision so she can see the final contestants. If it's practical, you and Mom might even consider going to where your FMIL is so she can be part of the event. When I picked my dress, I lived in Seattle but the wedding would be in Dallas since my mom lives there. I shopped in Dallas.