Cheap Party Dresses

what do you think about what I have so far in my novel?

Chapter One: Something I do with my friends, Tess and Jessica, after school every Friday is go to the mall and hit up all the shops. After the tenth Friday, we became regulars and everyone basically knows us and our names. It’s like we run the place. No—it’s not because my Daddy owns Lombardi Mall. That’s not it at all. The workers there don’t need to know I’m Murphy Lombardi, daughter of Richard Lombardi, owner of Lombardi Mall. In fact, if I used that as some sort of way to get a discount from one of the stores, the employee that gave me the discount and I would both get in trouble if he were ever to find out. It was one of his “Top Rules”. Not that it really mattered, though, because I was my Daddy’s only daughter and his Number One Girl. If I asked for money, of course I would get it because he’d never deny me of it. I’d use my sweetest smile or sweetest frown and widened my sapphire eyes for a cute, puppy look that worked so well. It had that effect on almost everyone I gave that expression to. I’m not even lying. It’s how I get my way. I know what you’re probably thinking, Oh, she’s such a snobby girl. Well, yes, if you use rich and popular as you definition of snobby then I would be, but it doesn’t mean I’m an evil person. I’m just a girl with high standards from a wealthy family who gets what she wants. I don’t see anything wrong with that. I’m just happy and I won’t try to drag down my great reputation down by socializing with the people that are lower than me. That’s why I hang-out with the other rich, popular people. Take for instance, Tess and Jessica. They are my best friends. Tess’s parents run The Mauve Spot which is like the best restaurant in town. Everyone goes there; it’s always packed. Jessica’s mom is an attorney who makes nearly a quarter million a year. She even has a commercial on the local channels. I would say that they are worthy to be let into my group. Also, they have a super-awesome sense of fashion. From Marc Jacobs to Gucci to Prada to Ralph Lauren to Calvin Klein—we own it all and everything in between and outside those lines. We parked as close to the entrance as we could because it would’ve hurt to walk all that way in these heels. Of course Tess suggested it. She is like… the smart one in our group. You could tell because she wears glasses. I told her she should get contact lenses, but apparently her eyes aren’t ready for them. Whatever. “So… Where should we stop by first?” I asked as Jessica parked her Volvo in the spot. “I think Teresa Rossi. Definitely Teresa Rossi,” suggested Tess who was seated behind me in the backseat. This surprised me. Since when did we shop there? “Since when do we shop there?” I turned my neck so fast to look at her, I thought it would break. I could see her roll her eyes even under those glasses. She swept a lock of her auburn hair behind her ear. “Well… It’s Spring and I want to get some dresses there because they’re cute!” “Poor people shop there…” I murmured. I didn’t want to sound rude, but it was true! The highest priced item there was a one hundred and twenty dollar dress, and it wasn’t even a “good” one. “Good” meaning from the top fashion designers! I refuse to buy something without getting the best! Why settle for less than the best? “Pfft. Wow, Murphy…” I heard Jessica scoff. She always did that to me. It always makes me mad. “Wow what?” “I don’t think it matters who shops there... I think it matters what’s there.” “And it’s poor people clothes there!” She scoffed again. It was really irritating me! What did I say that was so bad? “Whatever. Let’s go, anyway. I hear the dresses around Spring time are actually cute. Maybe we should check it out. I saw Joan Andrews wearing one of them and she looked adorable.” Tess looked at me like she was disappointed. How lame. I love Tess, but she cannot pull off my look. “Oh. Alright, but we stop by Bloomingdale’s first.” They both nodded in agreement and we got out of the car. Whatdaya think about it? I'm not writing it to be original or get published... I'm doing it for fun and am writing a novel that I would enjoy reading and writing. I'm 12... 13 in two days and I want to finish when I'm 14. lol....... you don't know what the subject is... beginning. and maybe it's boring to you because it's girly stuff. lol. :D. but i wasnt asking for a critique of the storyline.... just for the writing. yeah. i hate Murphy and Jessica, but I love Tess and Jonah (who will appear soon...) Jonah is her love interest... just ask if you want a description of him because if you don't... then I won't. :P wow. matthew, that was kinda rude. geez. well, i'm just gonna go with the thing that annoys everyone... you're just jealous. XD nah. i'm just joking... but i hate how the plot is judged even though i'm only a little into it... I mean, come on... Seriously. You don't even know it yet. Immaturity, huh? I think I smell some immaturity in your judgements. Wow. Assume what you like, but you can't simply judge my character for what I have written here. What I gather, Matthew H, is that you are incapable of giving advice in a respectful matter. How rude. Saying it's "boring" and "poor" among other things. Yes; you are stating your opinion, but do you really have to be an ass? Seriously.

Public Comments

1. Wow what a b*tch
2. the writing itself is good for your age. i'm impressed with that, but as for the subject? not interested at all. boring as watching the kettle boil, but hey, Paris Hilton might buy a copy! *lol* no offense intended
3. I like your writing style, it's very good for your age. I think the characters in the story are very shallow and not very likable. You need at least one person in a story that people can like and be pulling for. All these girls sound like the ones everyone hates. Unless you plan on teaching them some kind of lesson. Maybe they could suddenly become poor and see how the the other half lives and how they would like it. That would be an awesome story, especially with your imagination. If the Murphy character suddenly had to live really poor, maybe in the projects with a minority parent or family, that would be very interesting....Good luck and keep writing.....You have talent.
4. Uh..... its boring and lame. Why do would anyone want to listen to a snobby rich girl talk about her self-centered life and lame gossip? Is there a point to writing this other than to portray an unbearably boring moment in a narcissistic girl's life? You have no purpose for this writing. The dialogue and descriptions are completely inconsequential. So why would you write about it? When you write, make sure every detail has something important to do with your story. If its just thrown in there like the above is, it just makes your story boring. As for the actual writing, i must say that its pretty bad. Your age and (no offense) immaturity really shines through. Also there are a lot of grammar mistakes. You keep flipping your past, present, and future tenses so the writing is poor.
5. I love it so far. I was sad when it was over. You're really good. Im 14, and Im not much of a reader or a writer and it takes a lot to get me interested in a book. So obviously you're writing was good enough to draw my attention. Great Job. I can picture everything you wrote in my head. Keep going. I would love to read more! Caity
6. You go girl, sounds pretty good to me. Always reread your work often as you go along, very necessary habit to instill early on in writing. Good luck hope to see more from you, as I feel you have potential. HJope I've helped.
7. awesome..its really nice!!i would really like to read about it more...esp jonas..good going!!
8. The writing itself is not bad, but it is abrupt and choppy at some points. Murphy is talking to herself, I understand that, but we as readers do not want short, choppy sentences every paragraph. It is rather annoying to read because it doesn't flow well. Try reading your story out loud to see which paragraphs contain a lot of pauses. Also, I am getting slightly annoyed with her rhetorical questions that do nothing but parrot the sentence before. If you say it once and clearly, then emphasis by asking a rhetorical question is not needed.